Marital Woes ( Just Read n Laugh )

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
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It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives
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If u r married please ignore this MSG,
For everyone else: Happy Independence Day
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage
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Man receives telegram: Wife deadshould be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
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Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
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Twenty Great One Liners...

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

BANG UR HEAD

Bang ur head on the wall if u dont know the answer.

Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions.

They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.

Here are some of them:-

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1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
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2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
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3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.
The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
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4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
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5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
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6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
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7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
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8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada ?
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9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
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10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
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11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
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Scroll down for answers..... .......
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1. The word "incorrectly. "
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2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
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3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)
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4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
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5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.
So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
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6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
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7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.
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8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.
The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
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9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
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10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
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11. The temperature.
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One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

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Words of Wisdom..

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

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Cool One Liners....

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
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I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
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I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
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Never try to drown your troubles... especially if he can swim.
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Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
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Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
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By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.
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Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
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There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.
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An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
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Top 10 Most Stupid Questions to ask....

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1.) At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....
Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
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2.) In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
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3.) At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?
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4.) At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
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5.) At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question :- Munna, Pappu, you've become so big.
Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
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6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
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7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or Not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.
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8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
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9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.
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10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!