Bug the life out of irritating tele-callers !!

Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7 .If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............."

8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9. Cry out in surprise, "Ashu, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Ashu, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the ICICI call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the HSBC call centre number.

The Best of Murphy's Laws...

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.


***********

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.


***********

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.


***********



Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.


***********

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.


***********

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.


***********

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.


***********

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.


***********

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.


***********

All great discoveries are made by mistake.


***********

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.


***********

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.


***********

All's well that ends.


***********

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.


***********

The first myth of management is that it exists.


***********

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.


***********

New systems generate new problems.


***********

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.


***********

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.


***********

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.


***********

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.


***********

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.


***********

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.


***********

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.


***********

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.


***********

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.


***********

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.


***********

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.


***********

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.


***********

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.


***********

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.


***********

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.


***********

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."


***********

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.


***********

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.


***********

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.


***********

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.


***********

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.


***********

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.


***********

The only perfect science is hind-sight.


***********

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.


***********

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.


***********

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.


***********

When all else fails, read the instructions.


***********

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.


***********

Everything that goes up must come down.


***********

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.


***********

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.


***********

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.


***********

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.


***********

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Why only Indians are re-born ?

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you urgently. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causingproblems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.'

Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now, what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes.

He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now...These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire. Moreover theyare so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell...I am having such a hard time controlling anddealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop,which I had to stop...

As a clincher, Satan then said, "I am recommending to the Lord to send them back onto earth as soon as they arrive, as re-birth cases".

Changing times.....changing signs......!!

(1947-onwards)

Post 2009 !!

Santa's conclusion...

Santa is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...."
Finally he wrote the conclusion........... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

.................................................

A Tamilian call up Santa and asks " Tamil therima??"
Santa got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

.................................................

Santa and Banta looking at Egyptian mummy.
Santa : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Banta : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

.................................................

Our Santa on an interview 4 DA post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Santa : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......

Hotel California - the Mallu version of the popular number (Submitted by: SB Variar)

Here’s the Mallu version, of 'Hotel California' ! Hope you will enjoy.

The song is attached (click here to download and listen), and the lyrics are below to help you follow the (at times) thick Mallu accent, and to sing along if you fancy. (For the impatient, while the attached file starts with music, the actual singing of the lyrics starts after 1minute and 12 seconds, though I suggest you start around 1 minute).

Hotel Keralafonia !....lyrics start now.....


On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering 'No power today'
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
“Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place
Such a lousy place
Such a sad disgrace.
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year
It's infested here”
His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly noise
And he just laughs
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said, Don't worry, saar,
I sending you meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray
Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
What a lousy place,
What a lousy place
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise
That it swarms with flies
The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew
Was the culprit, I am sure !!!
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country ? Oh, Hell!!

Witty Humor...(Submitted by: Venugopal Varier)

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
*********
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
*********
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
*********
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
*********
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
*********
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

World after 10 years because of INTERNET (Submitted by Keeran Sunil Wariar)

NCP's watch !! Submitted by Manoj Warrier

Can u believe this !!! ??? (Submitted by: Anoop Warrier)

Ramayana as told by a US Kid (Contributed by Jayraj)

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you
know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted..

Navjot Sidhu Oneliners.....

That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.

Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

Wickets are like wives – you never know which way they will turn!

He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!

As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.

The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.

The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala…one falls and everything else falls!

Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.

You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

This was uttered after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."

Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

The cat with gloves catches no mice.

Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason

Chinese Call Center !!

At a Chinese Call center .....

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry .. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh .....God.......

From -- ((-: Good Wan! (Good One! ) :-))

(Contibuted by: Viju/Dubai)

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!




To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!




If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".




Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.




To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.




To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.




To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.




If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.




When you lose your car keys, click on "find".




"Help" with the chores is just a click away.




You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.




We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.




To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".




Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.




To undo a mistake, click on "back".




Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".




You don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

Funny Leave Letters....

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

Readers Digest Best Jokes Collection

Click here to download in pdf format.

Kudumbha Kalaham by Salimkumar (Submitted by Anoop Warrier)

Click here to download this hilarious comedy in mp3 format.

(Credit: Anoop Warrier)

EXAM SPECIAL...

Three Examinations special

1) Special offer........ Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.

Hurry offer valid until exams only....

2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

Say NO to EXAMS

3) Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. It Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!

"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."

Marital Woes ( Just Read n Laugh )

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
*********
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
*********
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
*********
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
*********
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
*********
It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives
*********
If u r married please ignore this MSG,
For everyone else: Happy Independence Day
*********
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
*********
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage
*********
Man receives telegram: Wife deadshould be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
*********
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
*********
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
*********
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
*********
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
*********
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
*********

Twenty Great One Liners...

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

BANG UR HEAD

Bang ur head on the wall if u dont know the answer.

Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions.

They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.

Here are some of them:-

************ ********* **
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
********

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
********

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.
The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
********

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
********

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
********

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
********
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
********

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada ?
********

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
********

10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
********

11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
********

Scroll down for answers..... .......
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. The word "incorrectly. "
********
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
********
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)
********
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
********
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.
So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
********

6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
********

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.
********

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.
The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
********

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
********

10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
********

11. The temperature.
********

One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

************

Words of Wisdom..

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

******

Cool One Liners....

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
.......

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
.......

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
.......

Never try to drown your troubles... especially if he can swim.
.......

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
.......

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
.......

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
.......

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.
.......

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
.......

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
.......

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
.......

There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.
.......

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
.......

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
.......

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
.......

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
*******

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions to ask....

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1.) At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....
Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
******
2.) In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
******
3.) At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?
******
4.) At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
******
5.) At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question :- Munna, Pappu, you've become so big.
Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
******
6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
******
7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or Not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.
******
8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
******
9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.
******
10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Nice Captain

A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says "Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready",

The captain replies coolly "Go. Get my Red shirt." The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.

After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.

The subordinate approaches his boss, "Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?"

The captain replies "Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to fight with the same ferocity."

Just then another subordinate rushes over. "Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction."

The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”

Submitted by: Jayraj

Hilarious Quotes (rules and laws)

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

The Petrified Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years".

Nice way to punish your BOSS

Click here to download the funny powerpoint presentation. You can use it take out all your frustrations with your BOSS !!!

Indian at the airport

Download and listen to this funny conversation between an airline employee and an Indian passenger !! Click here to download this audio file.

The Arab & the Gujju...

A rich Arab was admitted to the Lilavati Hospital in Mumbai for a heart transplant.

Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case need arose. As the Arab had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati in gratitude a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, Lapiz Lazuri jewellery and US$100,000.A year later, the Arab had to undergo corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati, who was more than happy to donate blood again to the Arab.

After the corrective surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a Thank You card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the second time the Arab did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why this time he had sent him only a Thank You card and Almond sweets.

To this, the Arab replied "Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood in my veins."